Beast

2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

Rashomon wins, hands down.  This chapter is simply not the same story as the previous one.  Similar in some ways, but not compatible.  They simply don't belong together.  In the first chapter, plants were created on the third day, birds on the fifth, and on the sixth day, first animals and then man.  In this chapter, man was created, and then plants, and then animals and birds.  And there's no real way to attribute that to a lack of clarity; the first chapter was obsessed with what happened on which day.  In this chapter, that's gone, but the order is integral to the story here: God made the animals after deciding Adam was lonely.

Let me just repeat that point.  There is no way that chapter one and chapter two are both correctly describing the same events; they are fundamentally incompatible.  If someone wants to talk about when man was created in Genesis, you have to ask, "Which version?  The chapter 1 version or the chapter 2 version?"

Now, this is a bit of a setback for us.  Part of my goal in this blog was to understand what Genesis said about the God character in the story.  But we can't honestly draw conclusions about God from chapter 1 being the same as Lord God in chapter 2, since they seem to be creators of different worlds.

Moving on....

The name Adam pops up out of nowhere.  We're kind of guessing at this point that he's the man God made from mud and dropped in Eden.  That's not too wild a speculation, since there's only one person on earth at this point in the story.

God, the busybody aunt, wants Adam to find a mate.  So, naturally, he makes a cow (apparently also out of mud, like he made the man), and brings it to Adam.  And after the cow, a turkey and rat and raven and elephant and dove and beaver and so on.

This is utterly bizarre.  The only conclusion I can draw from this is either (1) God is really into bestiality and desperately wanted Adam to mate with some animal, any animal or (2) God is an idiot who honestly thought, "I bet what Adam is looking for in a mate is a rat with nice whiskers and a long tail.  No, maybe a raven with sleek black feathers.  No?  How surprising."  Other options: (3) both, (4) God has a weird sense of humor and was laughing hysterically the whole time, (5) I'm completely misreading this passage.

In fact, let's go wild and include the next verse for clarification.

2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

So, they are definitely and explicitly looking for a "help meet" for Adam.  So, Adam is definitely the man who needed a help meet, and God is definitely bringing him lots of animals for that purpose.  Maybe "help meet" doesn't mean mate.  Maybe.  Anyone have another suggestion?

Anyway, Adam said, "That's a cow.  Not gonna marry me no cow.  That's a turkey.  Not gonna marry me no turkey, no sir.  That's a rat.  Oh Lord, I ain't gonna marry no rat, no way, no how.  Good God, that's a raven.  I'll marry a raven ... nevermore!  Muhahahaha.  That's an elephant.  What time are we breaking for lunch?  No, of course I'm not interested in the elephant in that way.  I am getting a little hungry, though.  Ok, that's a dove.  No dove for me."

You know all those annoying homophobes who say "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."?  Next time you're chatting with them, tell them, "Actually, God made Adam and Bessie the cow.  Genesis 2:18-20."